Bhumika Desai Shah

Suicide~ if its on your mind, read this story first!

In About ME, commuter's rage.., social Issue on October 10, 2014 at 5:06 am

Darkness..

Darkness was all around!

All I could sense was darkness, inside and outside…

Eyes, Brain, Heart- everything felt tired to function!

Breathing even gave strain and stress..

With every tic of clock, I could count my heart beats and something cried inside me, why it is still beating?

I, on a clumsy private hospital bed felt like I am dead since ages and will never be alive again. perhaps I even didn’t intended to be breathing again. Doctor came, gave a warm smile but it didn’t affected anymore. He tried to make some conversation but failed. I tried to listen to what he said, but failed! Failure- It was actually Failure!

I closed my eyes as tight as I could, perhaps because that darkness was peaceful than reality.

The machine besides me, was trying to pump out something from my within. Tiny plastic tubes from inside my nose kinda traveled into my whole body and with every suction of machine, it tried sucking my soul out. Yes, before few hours I tried to do exactly same- sucking out the soul from the physical body, I failed and been admitted to hospital with a fake tag of- “food poisoning”! Was that a food poisoning? My soul laughed with insanity on that lie and cried with pain on the same reason! I felt a sudden desire to shout out loud that- ” I have gave up on life not on truth! I cant bare more lies! It was not food poisoning, I tried to kill myself..”- but I could not utter a single word, perhaps as I was too fade up everything!

I kept on staring on ceiling. The pale yellow ceiling had blots, like blood clots. I kept on staring the ceiling four hours. The machine kept on working, the plastic tubes kept on sucking and paining. I kept on staring at ceiling like that ceiling will explode and I will evaporate in black hole.

Slowly, with great difficulties I opened my eyes and found sad human faces around. Human faces who perhaps belonged to my family. Slowly I tried to hear their conversations. And I felt like Dying again. Blames, Issues, Problems, Root causes, Advises- I felt I have reached far beyond everything.

I closed my eyes again, to escape from the reality.

“So, how are you feeling beautiful lady?”

“Can you hear me dear?”

I heard the questions clearly, I could guess the doctor was asking it. But I felt no will to answer.

“Doctor, Is she alright? She is not responding to any one. She is not replying any question. Even she is not opening her eyes! God knows why she did this stupidity! Loving family, darling daughter, caring husband, respectable profession, wealthy bank account- she had everything! Why?  Why she had to make us ashamed and down?”- a furious voice initially low, almost reached high pick of shout at end. I knew, I knew that voice, voice I loved like anything.

“I knew!”-perhaps that was root of everything, that I knew!

“Shhh, Keep calm. She is not responding, She may not for few days.. but she is listening everything! your words will decide her life direction further- choose them with great love and care. She is physically healthy and alright but emotionally- you only can cure her!”- The gentle words came again from the doctor, a stranger perhaps could understand my pain better ways!

“Hell with her emotional bullshit! I cant take it more. For what she did, I have to answer her family-my family and all. Why I should? What was my fault? Why I should tolerate her shit? Ask her to open eyes and face the shit she has created. Enough is enough!”- He shouted and left the room- footsteps leaving the room informed his exit.

“Sister, Keep an eye on her and keep me informed.” – I felt a warm hand on my forehead, and missed my PAPA very badly!

I, alone in a dark hospital room, kept on staring the ceiling!

and slowly my soul time traveled!

I visualized my self at my home. I could see myself breaking into loud cry. I observed scars on my face and hands, I had created on my own. I felt pity on my self. I stared myself seating on a corner of my king size bed, crying for hours. I stared at two bottles on the corner table. I stared, I kept on staring.

And that moment came, I could see myself opening both bottles slowly and mixing the content- perhaps to ensure death! I could see myself all broken into pieces, rejected, dejected! And my stomach ached when I saw myself slowly bringing that death liquid near my mouth. In a moment that dirty, worst in test liquid was inside me. And I could see myself counting breaths in expectation of death!

“I am alive, when you reach to me, I get wings to fly.. I feel that- I am Alive…”- my mobile rang. I didn’t received. My mobile range for some 10-20 times and finally I picked up to avoid worries on other side!

“I am calling you since last half an hour! why you were not picking up? I was so much worried and panicked thinking about all worst possibilities! Listen, I called you to give you a surprise! I was rearranging my wardrobe and guess what I found? The letters you wrote to PAPA, when PAPA was hospitalized. Somehow those letters were misplaced in a file of hospital bills. I found them all. and While reading them I cried, laughed, blushed. You have almost wrote every funny-happy-blue-proud-memorable moment we lived together in those letters. Though you are youngest kid in house, you wrote PAPA to be brave and keep faith that everything will be alright– I felt proud for your insight and maturity-my sis! I remember, when Papa used to say- You are Son to him- you always opposed saying I am more precious-strong-powerful being daughter! I always wondered how you had such rebel thoughts and strength to speak truth? I read all letters twice since morning and felt strange urge to call and say- I LOVE YOU SIS! You Mean World to me! Papa and I will always be proud of you!”-She spoke without breathing even!

Her words pierced inside my soul. I kept on staring myself and that empty bottle.

I, on both sides, kept silent.

“What happened? Why you are not replying? everything is alright? Please talk to me! I am hell worried!”-She guessed, She guessed that something is wrong! I said nothing, But she could sense!

“I am fine!”-I uttered something.

“No, you are not! Speak out! What is wrong with you? Where are you right now? What you are doing?”- She asked series of questions without a single breath.

“At home, on bed.”-again I uttered some words.

“Who is around you? Tell me, What happened? What you are doing?”- She asked softly.

“No one. Please let me sleep Di. Bye forever. And never forget- I love you Di, you are the best sister in the world!”-I hang up before she could sense more out of my words and switched off my mobile.

World around me seemed blue then grey and finally black.

Slowly heart beats lost their rhythm, I felt relief and peace…

I could see myself smiling with close eyes. I badly felt the need to rush and hold myself and say-“Be brave! Everything will be alright very soon! Don’t do this.. you cant die on your will.. Only god can make decision of death, you cant!”- I rushed towards myself.. but before I could help myself…

strong beam of light disturbed my time travel..

I slowly opened my eyes and found myself again on hospital bed.

I, fought with life, chased for death, But life chose me!

Slowly, I opened my eyes wide open. everyone around me seemed little relieved looking at me. I gave a fake pale smile. And a hand holding my hand gave me that warmth I was starving for!

That hand holded my hand tightly, perhaps fearing of loosing me. I could identify that hand, Touch that I loved like anything!

I looked in his eyes.. I looked around..

I looked outside the window and….. It was an illusion. I had an illusion that Papa was staring at me from that window from that far away sky! I stared at window more closely to reach to him..

“I love you beta! I know you had tough time lately, but I was always besides you… I know you gave up all hopes and dreams but I can implant them again! Look at me, Listen to me. Sweet heart, I love you more than you know!”-I could recognize that voice, PAPA..

I said nothing for few moments.

“I love you Daddu! I badly need you besides me. I cant survive all this. I cant. I disappointed you. I am.. I am.. Where I was wrong? Why everything fall apart?”-My eyes said it to PAPA, I physically kept silent.

“I too need you beta. I am always besides you, Always. You know the truth- nothing is wrong… You are perfect, everything is perfect- and that is actually issue! No one likes perfection in others! Adore yourself, love yourself. You did it once, you tried killing yourself for them… Now do me a favor once, try to live and love again- for me! Promise me princess!”- He, from far away, from heaven perhaps, kissed my forehead and hugged me tight.

“I promise Daddu. I promise you to LIVE and LOVE again!”-I slowly said and smiled, this time a real smile.

And all of a sudden I felt same love, warmth, care, concern in eyes of everyone around me.. Family around me looked Family again, whom I loved, Whom I love and will always LOVE! It was all my perception!

I smiled again. Everyone smiled.

I choose life, love and dreams over death… and you?

I choose being imperfect, messy yet happy!

I choose to be fighter and winner over being coward and looser.

I gave another chance to myself to love, dream, live more, more and more!

And YOU?

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  1. Nicely Written and Perfectly Explained….
    Suicide is never a solution to any hell big problem.!

    Good One, you are always a good writer.
    Time to go for a book now…. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    • Dipen,
      You have been always a strong support! A friend like you is truly treasure!
      Thanks a lot for reading and commenting! 🙂

      And about book, Long ways to go! :p
      its a dream- a precious one!

      Like

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